It takes tens of thousands of words properly strung together to create a book ("properly," remember, is a relative term). Yet many authors will tell you the toughest words to work with are the ones they use in their dedications. Oh, if you're feeling a pain in your left side right now, ignore it. That's just a stab of guilt for skipping over those early pages in the book to get to what you think is the important stuff: the story.
Anyway, most writers fall back on the tried-and-true strategy of dedicating their books to a family member. However, doing so is seldom without angst. In fact, it often requires time spent in front of a bathroom mirror rehearsing speeches for various other kinsfolk who have the audacity to ask why the book wasn't dedicated to them.
Sometimes though, some writers do get brave enough to let their comedic geniuses have their way with the page. Since we love to curate, we've collected several that we appreciate and want to share them with you. Maybe one day, if you decide to write a book, you'll remember this and dedicate it to us accordingly. Not that we're promising to read it, or anything. After all, there's a story to get to.
Anyway, on to the good stuff.
From Fuzzing: Brute Force Vulnerability Discovery by Michael Sutton, Adam Greene, and Pedram Amini. Amini wrote:
I dedicate this book to George W. Bush, my
Commander-in-Chief, whose impressive career
advancement despite remedial language skills
inspired me to believe that I was capable of authoring
From Everything is Going to Kill Everybody - The Terrifying Real Ways The World Wants You Dead by Robert Brockway:
This book is dedicated to Meagan, who has had the
kindness and decency to not realize she’s way out of
my league for many years now. It should also be noted
that this entire book was her idea. Please direct
From Let's Pretend this Never Happened by Jenny Lawson:
I want to thank everyone who helped me create this book
except for that guy who yelled at me in Kmart when I was eight
because he thought I was being "too rowdy."
You're an asshole, sir.
From The House of Hades by Rick Riordan
To my wonderful readers:
Sorry about that last cliff-hanger.
Well, no, not really. HAHAHAHA.
But seriously, I love you guys.
From Ruins by Dan Wells:
This book is dedicated to everybody you hate.
Sorry. Life's like that sometimes.
From I Was A Child by Bruce Eric Kaplan:
This book is for my
parents, who tried
From 2 States by Chetan Bhagat:
This may be the first time in the history of books,
but here goes:
Dedicated to my in-laws.
From You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News by The Editors of Cracked
For refusing to collapse into an earth-devouring black hole
under the force of its own staggering density, we dedicate this
book to Theodore Roosevelt's left testicle.
There are many many others, but we need to make room for a couple from one of our favorite dedication author: Derek Landy. We bow in homage to the man for his Skulduggery Pleasant book dedications. He does a few for the obligatory family members, like with this one from Skulduggery Pleasant: Playing with Fire:
This book is dedicated to my family -- because otherwise I'd never
hear the end of it…
Nadine: warm, kind and considerate. I am all of these things.
Audrey: the greatest thrill of your life is probably the fact that I'm
Ivan: meaningless words such as "brilliant", "amazing" and
"inspirational" have been used to describe me, but not nearly enough.
If any of you thought that there'd be anything sincere or heartfelt in
your dedications, allow me a moment to quietly laugh at you…
Because the heartfelt sincerity is reserved for my nana.
Chic, this book is also dedicated to you, for all the love and support
you've shown me over the years. I love you much more than any of
your other grandchildren do, I swear.
Landy does occasionally get sentimental, like he did in this dedication from Skulduggery Pleasant: Dark Days:
This book is dedicated to Laura.
I'm not going to make any jokes here, because apparently
you are the one person on Earth who does not find me
even remotely funny.
I am HILARIOUS. Ask anyone. Ask your sister. She
thinks I'm HYSTERICAL (you do, don't you Katie…?)
And yet, even though you refuse to recognize my comedy
genius, and you refuse to publicly admit how impressed
you are by everything I do, you're still getting a book
dedicated to you -- because without you, Skulduggery
wouldn't have his Valkyrie.
You're my friend and my muse, and I owe you a lot.
(A "lot" being, of course, entirely figurative, and in no
way implies that you're getting a share of the royalties.)
But our favorite one by Landy must be seen to enjoy it. Here it is from Skulduggery Pleasant: Mortal Coil--